Joe Lycett: 'I buy flowers for myself all the time. I'm comedy's Elton John'

First & Last: Joe Lycett

credit: Matt Crockett

The acclaimed stand-up on scary games, shit clothes and sausage legs

The acclaimed Birmingham-born stand-up, panel show legend, and author of Parnsips, Buttered is jetting about the country performing another live show with a puntabulous title, I'm About to Lose Control and I think Joe Lycett. We thought it was about time he took our First & Last interview.

First record you ever bought
OutKast: 'The Whole World'. What a banger.

Last extravagant purchase you made
Bought a PlayStation VR and Resident Evil a couple of months ago. I can't play it on my own 'cause I get too scared.

First film you saw that really moved you
I remember weeping silently in bed after watching Titanic.

Last lie you told
I've got a small penis.

First movie you ever went on a date to
I don't date darling, how crass.

Last time you cried
Last week I put what I thought was a bath bomb in the tub and it was actually a bath bar, an inferior cousin which doesn't fizz and is hugely disappointing. Then I found out that my cat was dead. Then I remembered I don't have a cat. Then I cried.

First thing you do when you've got time off work
Go to bed.

Last great meal you cooked
I make a sensational chicken, chorizo and mung bean stew.

First crush
There was a girl in primary school I had the hots for, but then I said her legs looked like sausages and it was all over.

Last book you read
Why I'm No Longer Talking to White People About Race by Reni Eddo-Lodge.

First great piece of advice you were given
Slow down.

Last time you were starstruck
Genuinely, it was when I was about 14 and saw Alison Hammond in a Birmingham shopping centre. I couldn't believe it.

First thing you'd do if you ran the country
Give myself absolute power with the intention of ruling with a cruel iron fist.

Last meal on earth: what would it be
A long one.

First song you'll sing at karaoke
'Lose Yourself' by Eminem. I know the final verse by heart. It's very impressive.

Last time you exploited your position to get something
Securing this interview to sell tickets for my tour, which are on sale at joelycett.com

First time you realised you were famous
Being asked this question, just now.

Last time someone criticised your work
Last time I checked Twitter.

First three words your friends would use to describe you
'He's not very good at answering three-word questions in three words'.

Last time you made an impulse buy and regretted it
I've got a lot of shit clothes.

First concert you ever attended
Muse at Birmingham NIA when I was about 16. Wow.

Last time you bought someone flowers
I buy flowers for myself all the time. I'm comedy's Elton John.

First object you'd save from your burning home
The £600,000 in cash I've stored in a cavity in my housemate's abdomen.

Last funny thing you saw online
There's a clip about this dude who got a parking fine which is HYSTERICAL.

First job
Selling guttering over the phone. Grim.

Last person you fantasized about
Gail Platt.

First word you spoke
Hiya!!!

Last time you committed a crime
If money laundering is a crime, then last Thursday.

First book you read for a second time
Catcher in the Rye.

Last song at your funeral
'The Lamb' by John Tavener.

First person you'd thank in an award acceptance speech
Alison Hammond.

Last thing you think of before you go to sleep
I need a piss.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning
I should've gone for that piss.

Joe Lycett: I'm About to Lose Control and I Think Joe Lycett is on tour until Friday 30 November; Parsnips, Buttered is out now in paperback published by Hodder & Stoughton.

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