Jason Byrne – 'I can't be arsed saying goodbye; it's a complete waste of time'

First & Last: Jason Byrne

The Irish comedian shares his thoughts on flowers, Full Metal Jacket and fire extinguishers

The freewheeling Irish comic is careering around the country on his The Man With Three Brains tour while he's set to host a new outdoors gameshow for Dave in which contestants bring back an object which is the answer to a curious question but can't say out loud what it is. It might make more sense when you watch the programme. Here, he takes on our First & Last Q&A.

First record you ever bought
It was 'Beat It' by Michael Jackson. I had no money as a kid so I'd always play my brother's records and I could only play them when he was out. He once beat me in his bedroom for playing his Lynyrd Skynyrd album.

Last extravagant purchase you made
I come from a generation with a fear of money so I don't do extravagant purchases ever. I bought a painting of the West of Ireland off this artist, this amazing lady who only does paintings of the Atlantic Ocean: it was about £300 but for me that was extravagant.

First film you saw that really moved you
The first film that would have made me cry at all would have been ET. I was bawling when he had to leave.

Last lie you told
I was hanging out with some comedians and had to do a late gig and said 'I will be back here straight after the gig'. And straight after the gig I put my hat on and headed back to my flat. I can't be arsed saying goodbye; it's a complete waste of time.

First movie you ever went on a date to
Full Metal Jacket, which wouldn't have been a big barrel of laughs. But she enjoyed it: she turned out to be a tough individual. The other thing I remember from that day was that I had two bags of shopping with me.

Last crime you committed
I murdered a family of crows.

First thing you do when you've got time off work
I never get time off work.

Last great meal you cooked
I can't cook at all, which is my wife's pet hate.

First crush
Wonder Woman and her very high pants.

Last book you read
Viz. A great read, especially the Roger Mellie bits.

First great piece of advice you were given
Never say yes when you mean no.

Last time you were starstruck
I don't get starstruck, they're just humans with shiny teeth. Local heroes impress me more than stars.

First thing you'd do if you ran the country
Turn it into Ireland.

Last meal on earth
Homemade burger and chips: my wife's speciality.

First song you'll sing at karaok
'Bridge Over Troubled Water'. Because I'm such a worrier, that kind of miserable title attracts me. The miserableness attracts me to a bridge of complete and utter misery, which is basically what I am.

Last time you exploited your position to get something
I jumped the queue in an Edinburgh joke shop to get the last piece of fake shit.

First time you realised you were famous
When I jumped the queue to buy some fake shit.

Last time someone criticised your work
The audience every night. A guy heckled me in Edinburgh at one show, so I picked him up out of his seat, kicked open the exit door, put him in the lane and closed the door. He never came back.

First three words your friends would use to describe you
Total utter tit.

Last time you made an impulse buy and regretted it
I bought three sausage dogs but only had room for one, so I gave my mates the other two.

First concert you ever attended
Mama's Boys in Dublin, 1988, when I was 16. My mate Carl was two years older than me and brought alcohol with him. He was passed out on a pillar inside the gig while I was just standing over him crying because I didn't know what to do. I'd never seen a young person hammered. I was only 16 and hadn't drunk any alcohol at all.

Last time you bought someone flowers
My dead grandmother for her grave.

First object you'd save from your burning home
A fire extinguisher.

Last funny thing you saw online
Chris Eubank talking about the Conor McGregor fight.

First job
Collecting trolleys in a supermarket. Payment was one can of Coke and a packet of cheese and onion crisps.

Last person you fantasized about
My wife, of course!!!

First word you spoke
Dictionary.

Last song you'd have played at your funeral
'The Birdie Song'.

First person you'd thank in an award acceptance speech
Myself.

Last thing you think of before you go to sleep
Myself.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning
Myself.

Jason Byrne is on tour with The Man With Three Brains until Saturday 10 March; he hosts a new game show Don't Say It, Bring It, which is broadcast on Dave from Monday 13–Friday 17, Monday 20–Friday 24 November, 7pm.

Jason Byrne: The Man With Three Brains

The Dublin-born stand-up follows up his highly-acclaimed Propped Up tour with a new show full of energetic humour, props and fast-thinking improv.

Court Theatre, Tring

Wed 13 Dec

£22

Epstein Theatre, Liverpool

Thu 23 Nov

£20.50 / 0844 888 4411

The Gulbenkian, Canterbury

Sun 19 Nov

£19.50 / 01227 769075

  • 19:30

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