Forget the clichés: five activities for couples who hate valentines day

From comedy in a cellar to actually getting Sawney Bean to dump your partner: the best alternative Valentine's Day activities for non-romantics in Edinburgh

Love Design: Pure Silk Pocket Square by Karen Mabon

If flowers and dinner just don't cut it for you, run your appraising eye over our suggestions to make your Valentine's Day that bit less traditional

Anti-Valentine's Day
They do say you can laugh people into bed, so you might be seduced by The Stand's V Day offering. Why plump for a posh restaurant, getting dressed up and pretending you understand wine, when you could hang out in a basement in your comfiest hoody? The Stand have you covered with their alternative to Valentine's Day – a night of laughter from Susie McCabe, Gus Lymburn, Robin Grainger, Rachel Jackson and Liam Withnail.
The Stand, Tue 14 Feb

Love Design
If your eye is caught more by the smooth elegance of good design rather than another human being, take yourself along to Love Design, a boutique installation featuring work by five Scottish designers. Curated by Stacey Hunter, Director of Local Heroes, the pieces on show deliberately forgo traditional Valentine Day motifs, so you can revel in the lack of romance, and enjoy some classy modern artworks while you do.
G&V Royal Mile Hotel, Tue 7–Tue 28 Feb

Romance on the Road
Take a road trip to somewhere altogether steamier than where you are now. Everyone's favourite erotica-peddlers, Mills & Boon, have teamed up with libraries across the country to provide you with something saucy to read to your loved one (or yourself) this Valentine's Day. It's not just about the smut – #RomanceOnTheRoad celebrates the mobile libraries that reach vulnerable communities each day. With library use down 30% since 2005, and with 10% of people admitting they don't have a single book in their house, why not ease yourself back into reading with something a bit more enjoyable than what you read at school.
Larkhall Library, Forfar Library, Dumfries & Galloway Library Services, Mon 6–Mon 20 Feb

Stupid Cupid Linotines
There's nothing sexier than flexing the ol' brain muscle. Get learning something new at Paradise Palms' pub craft session – this time it's linocut printing. They provide your first drink, then you get cutting, printing, and impressing that hottie next to you. In their own words: 'Roses are red, violets are blue, Pub Craft Club costs less than dinner for two.'
Paradise Palms, Tue 14 Feb

Love Stinks Break-ups
Are you cruel? Not just cruel, but unbelievably savage and heartless? Boy, do we have the thing for you. If you're bored with your relationship, but don't have the balls to finish things yourself, the Edinburgh Dungeon will do it for you. You've two options: Video Nasty – you provide the info and they'll create a personalised video for your unloved one, letting them know it's not you, it's them; or Up Close and Impersonal – a representative (either the Torturer, Burke & Hare, Sawney Bean or the Judge) will visit your poor, poor SO in person and let them know their fate. Think of how many retweets it'll get, though.*
Available Mon 6–Tue 14 Feb, email Edinburgh.dungeon@merlinentertainments.biz
*Please don't actually do any of this. We are good people.

Anti Valentine's Day

It's sickening, isn't it? All those people being happy all over the place. If you can't be bothered with Valentine's day, go into a basement and laugh at it all.

Pub Craft Club: Stupid Cupid Linotines

Celebrate Valentine's Day by learning the printmaking process of linocut printing.

Love Design

Five Scottish designers – Emma McDowall, Karen Mabon, Euan McWhirter, Niki Fulton and Moira Warren – display work created for a new exhibition in partnership with G&V Royal Mile Hotel.

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