Eurovision 2016: a handy to guide to who will absolutely rinse us and why

Anna Velikova (EBU)

Sweden, France and Cyprus: who'll leave the UK in the Eurovision dark, where even jumbo disco balls don't shine

Music fans, no, sorry, Eurovision fans are in for a treat this weekend, as the grand final of the continent's most flamboyant competition comes to our television screens. Yes, it's that time again: Europe's annual festival of musical mediocrity and industrial amounts of glitter is here.

For once, the UK's entry isn't absolutely abysmal. Compared to 2015's three-minute nightmare from Electro Velvet, 'You're Not Alone' by Joe & Jake is just comfortingly naff. The melody and lyrics are as inoffensive and unremarkable as the names of the two singers themselves, and bookies have slashed the odds on a UK win from 50/1 to 25/1 following their first rehearsal in Stockholm. But let's not get carried away, we're probably definitely going to lose.

Some hardcore Eurovision fans have already been listening to the songs in the final, and will be well into party planning mode by now (gluing sequins onto the TV set, installing wind machines in the living room). As such, we can see which songs are being streamed a lot on Spotify, and which ones are being talked about a lot on social media.

What we're saying is, thanks to the miracle of modern technology, Eurovision predictions are basically a science now. So, here are three entries we reckon will absolutely trounce us in Sweden this weekend, and why.

Sweden: Frans 'If I Were Sorry'
Sweden is the host country for this year's bonanza, and Frans is their chosen starlet. His song, 'If I Were Sorry' is a bit of a tune, alright. Reportedly, the song has already been streamed over 30 million times on Spotify. Sorrynotsorry but Sweden are probably gonna win again.

Cyprus: Minus One 'Alter Ego'
So the thing about Minus One's entry, 'Alter Ego', is that it sounds a little bit like 'Somebody Told Me' by The Killers. Twitter users noticed that during the semi-final. A lot of people like The Killers, and the guitarist has a fabulous beard, so that's something. Also, the official video features a roaming wolf and some people jogging in a heavy-set black clothing, so it's a winner from us.

France: Amir 'J’ai cherché'
According to Google Translate which is absolutely never wrong, not even once, 'Jai cherché' means 'I sought'. Maybe what singer Amir was seeking is a crap-load of plays on YouTube and some solid odds of winning.

Eurovision Song Contest 2016, BBC One, Sat 14 May, 8pm.