Q&A: Josie Long

Comedian takes a break from touring Cara Josephine to take our First & Last quiz

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Q&A: Josie Long

credit: Idil Sukan

As she takes her latest slice of optimistic stand-up around the UK, including a stop at the Glasgow International Comedy Festival, the comic talks ClickHole, the Cure and counting chairs.

First record you ever bought
The first single I bought was Pato Banton singing ‘Baby Come Back’. I think I was 11. There are loads of references to his ‘bag a sensi’ and to him ‘messing around’ that went completely over my head. I thought ‘why is his girlfriend so annoyed that he was messing around? That's just having fun. Jeez.’

Last extravagant purchase you made
I just bought this gluten-free cake thing that I absolutely do not need.

First film you saw that really moved you
My mum showed me and my sister what I have come to call the double-bill of no return: Of Mice and Men and The Elephant Man. Both of them wrecked me and have scarred me for life.

Last lie you told
That I couldn't speak on the phone.

First movie you ever went on a date to
I actually think the first time I went to the cinema with a boyfriend was when I was 18 to see Dude, Where's My Car?. I hated it so much I started counting the chairs.

Last time you cried
Just now, I'm nervous about my show tonight.

First thing you do when you’ve got time off work
Sleep in! And spend time in the evening with friends, which is glorious.

Last great meal you cooked
Last weekend I cooked steak, sweet potatoes and vegetables and that doesn't do it justice: it was SO GOOD. The sweet potatoes were all buttery and the vegetables had chilli and garlic and it was just perfect.

First crush
Tom Cox, two years older than me, at drama club. He did not know I existed.

Last book you read
Clive James' memoirs. It's for a radio show. I don't love them but I respect him.

First great piece of advice you were given
My grandma said that I shouldn't worry what other people thought of me and shouldn't try and be the same as other people.

Last time you were starstruck
I did a gig over Christmas with the Cure and I couldn't bring myself to talk to them because I love them so much. I just couldn't bear the thought that Robert Smith and me might not hit it off and be best pals.

First thing you’d do if you ran the country
End tuition fees in England, raise taxes on the most wealthy, change the land ownership because it's fucked, redistribute wealth, that kind of thing.

Last meal on earth: what would it be
Oh god, I would rather just skip the meal and not die please.

First song you’ll sing at karaoke
‘Nothing Compares 2 U’. I love it. I throw water on my face and cry and everything.

Last time you exploited your position to get something
Not trying to show off but I just got the people at the theatre where I’m playing to get me a glass of water.

First time you realised you were famous
Ha! I'm not sure I am. Only select people ever recognise me and I like that best.

Last time someone criticised your work
This morning on Twitter. And they can get fucked.

First three words your friends would use to describe you
God, I have no idea. Impulsive, busy, upbeat?

Last time you made an impulse buy and regretted it
I bought a Peter Pan collar playsuit and I was unrealistic about how small I think I am and so it doesn't even fit and looks terrible.

First concert you ever attended
Red Hot Chili Peppers. I'm not proud.

Last time you bought someone flowers
I bought some for my great aunt in November. She's 93 and a very cool woman.

First object you’d save from your burning home
I think it'd be my laptop which is pretty dull. Or maybe my journal? I don't have that many sentimental things.

Last funny thing you saw online
ClickHole do so much funny stuff, it's pretty much every day. This one was about how a guy had always defended Cruella de Vil and then he had seen 101 Dalmatians and changed his mind.

First job
Selling double glazing door to door. One hundred percent of my earnings were commission. I lasted two days. I earned nothing.

Last person you fantasized about
Do you mean sexually? That is my private mind-palace matter.

First word you spoke
I know that my first sentence was ‘this drink is horrible’ because I got given grapefruit juice by mistake. I was 30. (Fun right? I was about 18 months old).

Last crime you committed
I forgot to touch my Oyster card in on the Tube quite recently.

First book you read for a second time
Fahrenheit 451.

Last song at your funeral
I will be long dead so they can play whatever they like.

First person you’d thank in an award acceptance speech
My mum probably.

Last thing you recommended to someone
I wouldn't recommend voting UKIP to anyone.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning
That I wish I could sleep more.

Last thing you think of before you go to sleep
My secret fantasies that you will never know.

Josie Long: Cara Josephine

Long's latest is a typically optimistic look at both love and being 'as outdoorsy as a bear' (which is pretty darn outdoorsy).

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