Interview: Ford Kiernan and Greg Hemphill – First and last

The Still Game stars talk Neil Diamond, Farrah Fawcett and a shared love of Italian cooking

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Interview: Ford Kiernan and Greg Hemphill - First and last

Photo: Graeme Hunter

First record you ever bought
Ford: ‘Cars’ by Gary Numan, still a big favourite.
Greg: The Police’s ‘So Lonely’.

Last extravagant purchase you made
Ford: A rowing machine: I'll never use it but it looks good.
Greg: A flight to California.

First film you saw that really moved you
Ford: It's a Wonderful Life: gets me every time.
Greg: The Evil Dead.

Last lie you told
Ford: ‘No, I don't have a hangover’.
Greg: ‘I've only had two rums’.

First movie you ever went on a date to
Ford: Saturday Night Fever at a local fleapit in Dennistoun. It was x-rated and we were 15 but they let us in because we’d dressed up.
Greg: Octopussy.

Last time you cried
Ford: Yesterday.
Greg: Three days ago.

First thing you do when you’ve got time off work
Ford: Cry!
Greg: Go for lunch with my wife.

Last great meal you cooked
Ford: I do a mean spag bol, a proper Italian job!
Greg: An Italian breaded chicken affair and a radish side salad.

First crush
Ford: Deanna Durbin: she was a sort of girl-next-door, cutesy 1940s movie star who I watched on TV re-runs. Although, when I look at her now I don’t know what I saw in her.
Greg: Farrah Fawcett.

Last book you read
Ford: Blood Whispers by John Gordon Sinclair: do yourself a favour, it's brill!
Greg: Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn.

First great piece of advice you were given
Ford: Never eat the yellow snow!
Greg: Take people as they come. Don't ask what they do for a living.

Last time you were starstruck
Ford: I once met Scorsese and spent five minutes talking. One supercool dude!
Greg: I went to see Nick Frost in a Q&A. Lovely and hilarious. Until he declared his love for my wife. Then I wasn't starstruck. I was ready to strike the star.

First thing you’d do if you ran the country
Ford: Make chocolate money legal tender.
Greg: Take back Balmoral for Scotland.

Last meal on earth
Ford: My wee maw's soup.
Greg: A hot curry.

First song you’ll sing at karaoke
Ford: ‘Great Balls of Fire’, giving it laldy!
Greg: ‘I Am … I Said’ by Neil Diamond, cause you can talk most of it.

Last time you exploited your position to get something
Ford:A hotel near Loch Lomond gave me and my pal a couple of pints, even though they were closed.
Greg: A free slice of Rocky Road at a surf school in Dunbar.

First time you realised you were famous
Ford: Are you calling me famous?
Greg: The same day I had to move all the bodies.

Last time someone criticised your work
Ford: I never listen to criticism; I'm too vain.
Greg: Daily on Twitter whenever I speak up about the referendum.

First three words your friends would use to describe you
Ford: ‘Aff his heid’.
Greg: ‘Likes a drink’.

Last time you made an impulse buy and regretted it
Ford: That bloody rowing machine!
Greg: Two toastie machines for a tenner each. No man needs that many toasties.

First concert you ever attended
Ford: Summer 1978, sneaked in the back door of the Glasgow Apollo to see the Stranglers.
Greg: Beach Boys, 1985.

Last time you bought someone flowers
Ford: My pal Fiona Bell when I visited her in Ireland after too, too many years.
Greg: Three weeks ago. For a dear friend.

First object you’d save from your burning home
Ford: My phone: I don't want the fire to get so bad that it takes a neighbour to spot it and phone the brigade.
Greg: Once the family are safe I’ll go get my gold Elvis watch.

Last funny thing you saw online
Ford: ‘Billie Jean’ played on beer bottles, brilliant!
Greg: Jimmy Somerville surprising a busker who was singing one of his songs.

First job
Ford: Driving a forklift truck, unlicensed. Carnage!
Greg: Hospital morgue.

Last person you fantasised about
Ford: Paloma Faith: mammy daddy she is a minter!
Greg: My wife, as she rode a wave all the way to shore 20 minutes into her first surfing lesson.

First word you spoke
Ford: Ouch!
Greg: Seize him.

Last crime you committed
Ford: Illegally parking: I'm really bad for that.
Greg: I'm working up to a self-checkout scandal. The temptation. It's too much.

First song at your (potential) wedding
Ford: ‘Teenage Wedding’ by Chuck Berry (while doing all the Pulp Fiction moves).
Greg: ‘Can't Help Falling in Love’: Elvis.

Last song at your funeral
Ford: ‘The Party's Over’: it's the last time I'll get a bit of Nat King Cole!
Greg: ‘The Ecstasy of Gold’: Ennio Morricone

First person you’d thank in an award acceptance speech
Ford: Whoever handed me the award!
Greg: Wife. But not straight away as I don't want to appear henpecked.

Last thing you recommended to someone
Ford:*The book Blood Whispers I recommended earlier in the article you fool!
Greg: Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Allen Carr.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning
Ford: Socks!
Greg: ‘Try not to be so square today’.

Last thing you think of before you go to sleep
Ford: Sex!
Greg: ‘Did I pick up and put away ALL the Scrabble tiles?’

Still Game: Live at the Hydro, Glasgow, Fri 19 Sep – 10 Oct.

Still Game: Live 2

The stage version of Ford Kiernan and Greg Hemphill's TV sitcom of ageing disgracefully, starring Ford Kiernan as Jack Jarvis and Greg Hemphill as Victor McDade.

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