Interview: Ford Kiernan and Greg Hemphill – First and last

  • The List
  • 19 September 2014
Interview: Ford Kiernan and Greg Hemphill - First and last

Photo: Graeme Hunter

The Still Game stars talk Neil Diamond, Farrah Fawcett and a shared love of Italian cooking

First record you ever bought
Ford: ‘Cars’ by Gary Numan, still a big favourite.
Greg: The Police’s ‘So Lonely’.

Last extravagant purchase you made
Ford: A rowing machine: I'll never use it but it looks good.
Greg: A flight to California.

First film you saw that really moved you
Ford: It's a Wonderful Life: gets me every time.
Greg: The Evil Dead.

Last lie you told
Ford: ‘No, I don't have a hangover’.
Greg: ‘I've only had two rums’.

First movie you ever went on a date to
Ford: Saturday Night Fever at a local fleapit in Dennistoun. It was x-rated and we were 15 but they let us in because we’d dressed up.
Greg: Octopussy.

Last time you cried
Ford: Yesterday.
Greg: Three days ago.

First thing you do when you’ve got time off work
Ford: Cry!
Greg: Go for lunch with my wife.

Last great meal you cooked
Ford: I do a mean spag bol, a proper Italian job!
Greg: An Italian breaded chicken affair and a radish side salad.

First crush
Ford: Deanna Durbin: she was a sort of girl-next-door, cutesy 1940s movie star who I watched on TV re-runs. Although, when I look at her now I don’t know what I saw in her.
Greg: Farrah Fawcett.

Last book you read
Ford: Blood Whispers by John Gordon Sinclair: do yourself a favour, it's brill!
Greg: Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn.

First great piece of advice you were given
Ford: Never eat the yellow snow!
Greg: Take people as they come. Don't ask what they do for a living.

Last time you were starstruck
Ford: I once met Scorsese and spent five minutes talking. One supercool dude!
Greg: I went to see Nick Frost in a Q&A. Lovely and hilarious. Until he declared his love for my wife. Then I wasn't starstruck. I was ready to strike the star.

First thing you’d do if you ran the country
Ford: Make chocolate money legal tender.
Greg: Take back Balmoral for Scotland.

Last meal on earth
Ford: My wee maw's soup.
Greg: A hot curry.

First song you’ll sing at karaoke
Ford: ‘Great Balls of Fire’, giving it laldy!
Greg: ‘I Am … I Said’ by Neil Diamond, cause you can talk most of it.

Last time you exploited your position to get something
Ford:A hotel near Loch Lomond gave me and my pal a couple of pints, even though they were closed.
Greg: A free slice of Rocky Road at a surf school in Dunbar.

First time you realised you were famous
Ford: Are you calling me famous?
Greg: The same day I had to move all the bodies.

Last time someone criticised your work
Ford: I never listen to criticism; I'm too vain.
Greg: Daily on Twitter whenever I speak up about the referendum.

First three words your friends would use to describe you
Ford: ‘Aff his heid’.
Greg: ‘Likes a drink’.

Last time you made an impulse buy and regretted it
Ford: That bloody rowing machine!
Greg: Two toastie machines for a tenner each. No man needs that many toasties.

First concert you ever attended
Ford: Summer 1978, sneaked in the back door of the Glasgow Apollo to see the Stranglers.
Greg: Beach Boys, 1985.

Last time you bought someone flowers
Ford: My pal Fiona Bell when I visited her in Ireland after too, too many years.
Greg: Three weeks ago. For a dear friend.

First object you’d save from your burning home
Ford: My phone: I don't want the fire to get so bad that it takes a neighbour to spot it and phone the brigade.
Greg: Once the family are safe I’ll go get my gold Elvis watch.

Last funny thing you saw online
Ford: ‘Billie Jean’ played on beer bottles, brilliant!
Greg: Jimmy Somerville surprising a busker who was singing one of his songs.

First job
Ford: Driving a forklift truck, unlicensed. Carnage!
Greg: Hospital morgue.

Last person you fantasised about
Ford: Paloma Faith: mammy daddy she is a minter!
Greg: My wife, as she rode a wave all the way to shore 20 minutes into her first surfing lesson.

First word you spoke
Ford: Ouch!
Greg: Seize him.

Last crime you committed
Ford: Illegally parking: I'm really bad for that.
Greg: I'm working up to a self-checkout scandal. The temptation. It's too much.

First song at your (potential) wedding
Ford: ‘Teenage Wedding’ by Chuck Berry (while doing all the Pulp Fiction moves).
Greg: ‘Can't Help Falling in Love’: Elvis.

Last song at your funeral
Ford: ‘The Party's Over’: it's the last time I'll get a bit of Nat King Cole!
Greg: ‘The Ecstasy of Gold’: Ennio Morricone

First person you’d thank in an award acceptance speech
Ford: Whoever handed me the award!
Greg: Wife. But not straight away as I don't want to appear henpecked.

Last thing you recommended to someone
Ford:*The book Blood Whispers I recommended earlier in the article you fool!
Greg: Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Allen Carr.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning
Ford: Socks!
Greg: ‘Try not to be so square today’.

Last thing you think of before you go to sleep
Ford: Sex!
Greg: ‘Did I pick up and put away ALL the Scrabble tiles?’

Still Game: Live at the Hydro, Glasgow, Fri 19 Sep – 10 Oct.

Still Game: Live

The stage version of Ford Kiernan and Greg Hemphill's TV sitcom of ageing disgracefully, starring Ford Kiernan as Jack Jarvis and Greg Hemphill as Victor McDade.

The SSE Hydro, Glasgow

Fri 27 Sep

£29.50–£75 / 0141 248 3000

Sat 28 Sep

£29.50–£75 / 0141 248 3000

Sun 29 Sep

£29.50–£75 / 0141 248 3000

…and 5 more dates until 12 Oct

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