Leech - sucking the blood of popular entertainment

  • The List
  • 13 November 2006

Leech

Sucking the blood of popular entertainment

Christmas madness started early this year, as retailers across the globe braced themselves for a long, lean winter without a Harry Potter book to flog. The impact of this has already hit the Leech household, with the annual begging letter to Santa to maintain a blind eye making an early Potter order for 2007 with all the usual promises of better behaviour and fewer alcoholic incidents, plus this year’s demand for Samantha Mumba’s Greatest Hits (all both of them!) and the new Paris Hilton biography, with its glossy cover and 497 blank pages.

As ever, Christians are tutting at the season’s creeping commercialism, focusing their anger on the Royal Mail’s Christmas stamp collection. It reminded the Leech of the claim that atheists should acknowledge their beliefs are a faith too, in the same way that not collecting stamps is a hobby. Whatever, the God lobby are upset that none of these stamps depict the baby Jesus, so they might better lick his cherubic behind. But also for the dreadful illustration that appears to show Santa uncoiling a Christmas log down a chimney. In Saint Nick’s defence, all night in a sleigh, after scoffing millions of mince pies, puts awful pressure on a digestive system. And naughty kids deserve what they get.

Committed bible thumpers should take their outrage to Japan, where the craze for Western-style weddings and a paucity of genuine ministers has created a booming traffic in fake priests, mostly from Europe, bypassing traditional ordination through the Internet. The Leech is in Tokyo right now, working alternate nights as Father Karaoke Elvis and Sister Giggling Schoolgirl!

Now, you don’t hear druids getting their robes in a twist like some spiritual beliefs do you? Even though, in a boost for rival erections in Scotland, Stonehenge has been called a ‘truly crap henge’ by National Geographic Traveller magazine. Or words to that effect. Apparently, as useless lumps of rock go, the Megalithic tourist attraction is lacking in ‘charm and magic’, not to mention dancing dwarves and amps that go all the way up to 11.

Meanwhile, the Leech’s favourite politically unaware emergency service are up to their usual monkeyshines. After Strathclyde Fire and Rescue Service firefighters refused to provide safety advice at a gay pride march this summer, they’re back on-message for Christmas, instructing Urdu speakers that in the event of a fire, they should simply ‘jump on a donkey’. In fairness, their badly translated safety leaflet actually intended to say: ‘Never jump straight out of a window; lower yourself onto cushions etc’. So the confusion is understandable.

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