Interview: Bob Servant's guide to the Independence Referendum
Dundee's man of the people provides his own unique answers to the vital questions about Scotland's vote for independence
Are you thoroughly confused by the voting process? Then be thankful for Bob Servant. The man of the people cuts to the chase about Yes versus No, England versus Scotland and the First Minister versus a woman from West Yorkshire …
Hi Bob, how’s it going?
Fine. Get on with it, please, there’s a disco at the bowling club and rumours of a minibus full of skirt coming down from Lochee.
Of course. So what’s the independence referendum all about?
It’s about whether Scotland says to England, ‘cheers lads, we can get ourselves home from here’.
But what’s it really about?
In 1984, Alex Salmond was badly humiliated by a woman from Huddersfield in a Magaluf disco. Thirty years later, here we are.
What can I expect at the polling stations?
Do you mean in a saucy way?
Of course. Everything you have heard about polling stations is true. On the outside they look all very serious with the posters and the policemen, but inside it’s like the Last Days of Rome. Any sexual interest you have, however unusual, will be sated beyond your wildest dreams. You will see things that you never thought were possible and perhaps hoped weren’t. Take an open mind and a change of clothes.
How many times can I vote?
As many as you want. Officially the rule is ‘don’t take the piss’. Just vote as many times as you think is fair.
Do I get paid for voting?
Only in Falkirk.
What if I change my mind?
Simply return to the polling station, ideally drunk, and explain to as many people as possible that you’ve had a rethink.
Once I’ve marked the voting card, what do I do with it?
Pop it in your pocket and take the bus home. It’s a wee memento of the day.
Does everyone have the vote?
All men and most women are allowed to vote. Females in the following categories are NOT allowed to vote: soldiers, street performers and murderesses. Pregnant women are technically allowed to vote, but strongly discouraged because their heads are, medically speaking, ‘minced’, and they’d just vote for the candidate with the nicest bottom.
What happens if Scotland votes yes?
We switch, with immediate effect, to continental style plugs. Other than that, no real change.
What happens if Scotland votes no?
England wins Dumfries.
Where does Corbett stand in all of this?
Good question. Without doubt, on either side the most important consideration is ‘what are the actors saying?’ That guy that was in that thing where he pretended to be a spaceman: what’s his thoughts on the whole thing? If I had my way, only actors would be given the vote. And cheeseburger van magnates. But NOT posties, for obvious reasons.
Where do you stand, Bob?
On the morning of the vote, I will be watching a ‘double bill’ of Braveheart and then Zulu. I will go into it with an open mind and whatever movie affects my breathing the most (monitored by Frank) will decide my vote. I suggest you all do the same.
Your Scottish Servant,