• The List
  • 30 October 2006

Sucking the blood of popular entertainment

It’s been said of Glasgow recently, that ‘when the sun goes down, the feral boys come out’. And the Leech, for one, welcomes our new nocturnal rodent overlords. Readership of this column among Non-Educated Delinquents has ensured fewer List employees suffer unprovoked kickings than ever before in their miserable lives, whether on the street or simply entering the Editor’s office. Furthermore, as Lord Haw Haw Bawbag, the Leech could be instrumental in rounding up other snooty arts enthusiasts and putting them to toil in off licences, chip shops, chib shops and shellsuit factories.

In fact, The Feral Boys of Glasgow is a brazen slab of propaganda, sorry, Canadian documentary, released by the city of Halifax to steal the 2014 Commonwealth Games from Glasgow. While Jack McConnell has been in North America trying to lure Canadians back to the mother country and buy a tartan rug, those cheeky moosefucking lumberjacks have been filming our teenage gangs, promising to take CBC channel viewers ‘to a very dangerous place. Not Iraq or Afghanistan, but Glasgow’. Apparently, the city’s ‘public health catastrophe often spills onto the streets of downtown’, prompting the Leech to ponder just where Glasgow’s sophisticated uptown is meant to be.

Make no mistake, Scotland the Shit is a popular brand right now. Restaurant critic and Scots git about town AA Gill recently declared this nation’s cuisine craptacular beyond the central belt, having loosened his own in restaurants right across, well, London mostly. In America meanwhile, Inverness-born Jamie Grant recently published the Cultureshock! Guide to Scotland. It’s riddled with typos, glaring inaccuracies and irrefutable facts, such as: ‘It is not uncommon to see men and women staggering home blind drunk at the end of a night out - singing, shouting or fighting as they go. Drinking to excess is not only acceptable, it is virtually expected.’ And ‘It is common for Scots to insult each other with foul language. Don’t take offence. It is more than likely they are just being friendly’. Oh to see ourselves as others see us! Then affectionately chin the bastards, lead a drunken chorus of Flower of Scotland and attempt to lick them amorously in an alley. By a bin preferably.

Of course, North America is far better at tackling anti-social behaviour, with prominent black Americans fighting youth crime by releasing a 66 CD recording of the Bible. Featuring Denzel Washington reading the Song of Solomon, Forest Whitaker as Moses and Samuel L Jackson as God, you’d better believe there ain’t no muthafuckin snakes in that muthafuckin Garden of Eden!

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