Five types of people to avoid during freshers’ week
You're a student meeting many new and different people - just avoid these ones
The Gap Year Bore
They’re wearing Thai yoga pants, they’re so tanned it hurts your eyes and every story is relatable to the time they spent in Malawi, and it was just, like, sooo spiritual and stuff, yeah? Plus they talk irritatingly slowly because they ‘haven’t spoken English to people who can actually understand it in, like, soooo long!’
The Uni Lad
He’s here for the student discount, studies sports science, is incapable of drinking without getting rat-arsed, makes a point of reading tabloids (and little else) and thinks ‘rape banter’ is an acceptable term. Any resemblance to members of a popular Facebook group is entirely because we absolutely intended it.
A tricky one to spot initially, The Limpet is only truly identifiable once the dust of Freshers’ Week has settled and you realise that the shy, retiring type you said ‘hi’ to in the hall is now sleeping outside your bedroom door. We’re all for making friends in your first week, but friends plural is the key. Get lumbered with a Limpet and it’ll just be you, them and some flat Cava come graduation day.
You’ll hear The Ac-Tor before you see them – they’ll be the one ‘holding court’ (ie talking very loudly), sloshing about a bottle of red wine and bewailing the horror of getting up at 11am to attend drama lectures. Will resort to hysterics if the attention strays from them.
There are two types of established couples you’ll meet in your first week: the ones who are totally involved in each other, will study together, end up sharing a flat together and will probably get married immediately after graduation; and the ones whose relationship will be a flaming wreck by the end of semester one. The former are boring, the latter catastrophic. Avoid both.