The List has a new star-rating system too, and it's better than the Evening News's

The List has a new star-rating system too, and it's better than the Evening News's

If we had to review our new star rating, we'd say it was worth ★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

Following Evening News' announcement of a long-overdue star ratings overhaul, we at The List are proud to announce we will also be redesigning our grading system for reviews. Rather than stand in Evening News' shadow though, we've decided to go one better: we see their seven-star system and raise them to 17.

That's right: every new review we post will be graded out of 17. Chew on that, Evening News.

Our reasoning is simple: like Evening News, we feel there are just not enough shades of grey in a five-star system. We've long been dissatisfied with having only two star ratings to signify 'below average'; we've also fantasised about the day when we can clearly distinguish between a show that's 'great' and a show that's 'something special'. If the Evening News team feel they've got that sorted with their piffling seven stars, they can think again – here's what a real star chart looks like:

★ - abysmal
★★ - really, really bad
★★★ - it's honestly not that good
★★★★ - getting somewhere, but someone like you probably wouldn't like it
★★★★★ - average
★★★★★★ - slightly better than average
★★★★★★★ - passable
★★★★★★★★ - quite liked it
★★★★★★★★★ - good
★★★★★★★★★★ - good and a half
★★★★★★★★★★★ - great
★★★★★★★★★★★★ - really great
★★★★★★★★★★★★★ - stupendous
★★★★★★★★★★★★★★ - don't miss it
★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★ - !!!!!!!
★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★ - sell your children to get a ticket
★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★ - you will literally need to kill yourself after seeing this show because your life will pale in comparison

So, remember, when you see Fringe shows plastered with five-star reviews, take a moment to reflect where they're from: they could signify anything from 'average' to 'great' to 'utterly incendiary'. All you have to do to prevent any confusion is memorise the individual ratings systems from every publication, which in the long run makes much more sense than having one standardised system that absolutely everyone understands. (We'd also like to point out that our new star ratings mean you'll probably see our name on a lot more posters, because (a) shows will think they've received far better reviews than they actually have, and will be eager to publicise them; and (b) with all our stars, there'll be no room for anyone else's).

We'd like to add that, while there has been some suggestion that the Evening News' announcement could be some sort of satire or parody on the fickleness of star ratings, we'd contend that it's nowhere near funny enough for that.

Please note: it may take some time for these changes to be applied to our web formatting software, so in the meantime, each star (★) will be worth 3.4 regular stars; hence, 6.8 out of 17 will be represented as ★★, 10.2 will be ★★★, 13.6 will be ★★★★ and a full 17 out of 17 will look like this: ★★★★★.