• The List
  • 2 October 2006

The Leech

Sucking the blood of popular entertainment

Like the MOBOs, but with fewer heckles and as likely to be attended by Beyoncé, the Scottish Comedian of the Year competition in Glasgow’s Old Fruitmarket saw Mark Nelson pip Paul Pirie to the coveted title, a £600 cheque, and the not so coveted trophy, a microphone seemingly spray painted gold by an idiot child. Nevertheless, it was an entertaining evening and the Leech took the opportunity to interrogate cherubic compere Des Clarke about Club Cupid, the dating show he presents on STV this month with Michelle Watt, the surprisingly photogenic offspring of former boxing world champion and after dinner speaker at the drop of a bread roll, Jim Watt MBE. The premise is simple: singles from across Scotland are flung together to speedate in Dundee. Any not trampling over each other in a headlong rush to flee the shithole city stand a chance as a couple.

But then Dundee, as we all know, is Scotland’s sexiest city. A recent poll by the Young Persons Railcard, in which 18-25-year-olds were asked to text photos of themselves, found Dundonians to be the nation’s stud muffins and cup cakes. That is, if you define sexiness as neither possessing your own transport or modesty, yet understanding the myriad pointless functions of your mobile. Still, you can’t argue with the pixellised evidence (www.sexinthecity.co.uk), with Edinburgh currently resembling the Chamber of Horrors in Madame Tussauds, also in the news recently when Gary Barlow conceded they’d melted his likeness down to make Britney Spears, presumably just piping the wax in his chubby cheeks straight into her arse.

And is it any wonder Dundee is the throbbing hot spot of Scotland’s libido, when the University’s rector actively encourages students to fornicate and binge drink? The Leech has kicked many a TV set in the cathode ray thanks to Lorraine Kelly’s excruciatingly mumsy tones, yet grudgingly doffs an ex-student’s scarf and lunchbox to her for advising her hormonally charged charges to ‘drink lots and have safe sex’. Perhaps if the rector at the Leech’s alma mater had been as frank, your correspondent’s uni days might have been spent doing more of the latter and less of the former. Perhaps.

That’s right, less fancied by students than the Sharon Osbourne Show, which can’t even attract an audience that let Noel Edmonds back on TV, the young Leech learned to channel adolescent frustration into onanistic altruism. And so the Leech wiped a tear of nostalgia from a still burning cheek of shame to learn that a recent BBC investigation found Scotland now only has one registered sperm donor. Yep, one selflesss, solitary wanker doing his single-handed best to halt the population decline! His family would doubtless be so proud if they only knew, but then they’re probably half the population of Dundee by now.

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