Angelos Epithemiou's Christmas
The deadpan Greek/cockney comic scorekeeper from Vic & Bob’s Shooting Stars
Since giving up the burger van game to become scorekeeper on Vic & Bob’s Shooting Stars, deadpan Greek/cockney comic Angelos Epithemiou has achieved some sort of fame, allowing him to take a comedy tour of the country. He explains what makes an Epithemiou Christmas so special
How will you be celebrating Christmas?
Well I will be celebrating Christmas with all my family: my mum Anastacius and my dad Apostolos and my brothers Agamemnon, Aggatheus, Archipelago and Arterius. Although I’ve been trying to get hold of them on the phone since September and I keep missing them … Well I say that, they haven’t picked up the phone and when I went round to their house it was all boarded up. I’m sure one of them will call in the next few days to make final arrangements.
What’s the best Christmas present you’ve ever received?
It was a board game called BURGER! I’d never heard of it and that’s cos it didn’t previously exist. My brother invented it and gave me the box which said BURGER! on it, although there was nothing in it cos my brother hadn’t finished inventing the game. In fact, he hadn’t even started inventing it, he’d just come up with the name and found the box.
… and the worst?
A board game called BURGER! Rubbish.
Where will you be going out for Christmas drinks?
Well as a family on Christmas we tend to go out to the park for Christmas drinks, cos you can hang around the benches and nobody hassles you apart from the police. But when there is a whole family then it’s harder for the police to do anything cos there’s loads of you. They can’t do you for anything just for being in the park, unless you’re my brother Aggatheus and you set fire to some expensive trees.
And where will you be doing your Christmas shopping?
Mostly on the eBays. You can get hold of some super stuff on the eBays, like a policeman’s helmet, seven copies of Bridget Jones’ diary on video, a damaged bowling ball and a mannequin’s leg. All these things make ideal gifts for someone. I don’t know who but someone’s getting them.
What’s the most heartwarming thing you’ve seen so far this festive season?
I saw a tramp give a baby a kiss. ‘How nice,’ I thought. ‘What a lovely thing to do.’ And I went up and tried to tell the tramp how nice I thought it was. Unfortunately though he was being chased down the road by the baby’s mother with an umbrella and she was shouting things at him.
… and the most bitterly sad?
I saw a Father Christmas stumbling down the road drunk outside an old people’s home. But that was in July.
Three top tips for surviving through to January …
Don’t muck about. Don’t bother with going fishing (it’ll only end in tears). And look forward to next Christmas – that’ll get you through this one.
What will your New Year’s resolution be?
I will try to be a bit fairer on the French, although I will have broken it by 2 January.
The best cure for seasonal affective disorder is …
Vinegar, so I’m led to believe.
Angelos Epithemiou & Friends Christmas Tour, The Garage, Glasgow, Thu 16 Dec; Queen’s Hall, Edinburgh, Sun 20 Feb.