The London musician, Beardyman, aka Darren Foreman, is considerably less hirsute than the name might suggest, and also proud to have been the UK beatbox champion two years in a row. Here, he talks taxes, Batman and gold statues...
First record you ever bought
The Batman Forever soundtrack. Amazing soundtrack, rubbish movie.
First film you saw that really moved you
Last lie you told
‘I’m pregnant, and it's yours.’
First movie you ever went on a date to
Sleepers, with Kevin Bacon where he plays a young offenders' jail officer who abuses boys. Possibly the worst date movie ever made.
Last time you cried
I’m crying now.
First thing you do when you’ve got time off work
Sit down and start crying.
Last extravagant purchase you made
A massive gold statue of myself for the front lawn.
Last book you read
House of Bush, House of Saud by Craig Unger.
First great piece of advice you were given
'Don’t pick it! You’ll make it worse.'
Last time you were star struck
Last time I looked in the mirror – I just stood there staring for ages and then got really tongue-tied and started praising my work way too much … it was so embarrassing. I walked away, like … 'Oh my god that was, like Beardyman! You know that beatboxer who did that thing!'
First thing you’d do if you ran the country
Clamp down on civil liberties, put more security cameras up, give the police sweeping powers to confiscate anything they find annoying, extend stop and search powers to the elderly, get all the foreigners out, put tax up to fund more wars, go to war with Norway, burn down the Reichstag, make drugs illegal, kill everyone, cry.
Last meal on earth – what would it be
I’d have Heston Blumenthal cook me an extravagant, nonsensical meal which looked like dessert but was actually human meat.
First song you’ll sing at karaoke
'Another Day in Paradise' by Phil Collins.
Last time you exploited your position to get something
I robbed an eight-year-old cos I was bigger than him, but to be fair he was asking for it.
Last time someone criticised your work
Simon Cowell told me he thought he could beatbox better than me so I had his assets seized and sold off to raise money for charity.
First three words your friends would use to describe you
'Which Darren? Oh …'
Last time you made an impulse buy and regretted it
A dog last Christmas.
Last time you bought someone flowers
Last week, I broke my girlfriend's leg without meaning to by throwing her down the stairs, so it was only fair that I buy her flowers because they die really quickly, signifying the fragility of the human body and the crippling pointlessness of existence.
First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning
Oh god … not again!
Last thing you think of before you go to sleep
’ll show them … I’ll show them all … who do they think they are? Don’t they know who I am? I’m the … zzzzzzzzzz.
Beardyman plays the Arches, Glasgow, Thu 29 Apr.