Glasgow Comedy Festival - Tell us a Joke
Twelve jokers, 12 jokes, the best introduction to them you could ever need.
‘I’m always fascinated by the sign in the Glasgow chip shop: ‘Jack McPhee, Fresh From The Sea. ’Since when did a sausage come from the sea?’
‘I recently asked my girlfriend to role play as a nurse. She’s taken it a bit too far. Since then I’ve contracted MRSA and she’s started working nights as a prostitute to supplement her low income.
But my girlfriend and I realise that we both need to make sacrifices in our relationship. So far two sheep, three goats and Edward Woodward.’
‘For my boyfriend’s 30th – mainly because I didn’t want to spend good money on a present – I promised I would make an effort and give him a treat in the bedroom. Other than just shaving my legs. He wanted me to dress up as a French maid. (Who knew, inside him was a 50-year-old who liked ‘Allo ‘Allo?) But it turns out the costume’s pretty tricky to find. So instead I dressed up as a cleaner. Got some ironing done, nicked £20 from his wallet and pretended I couldn’t understand what he was saying.’
‘I was surprised how British Muslims reacted to the Danish cartoons. How can you get this worked up about a cartoon? But then I remembered how angry I was when they gave Scooby Doo a nephew.’
Reginald D Hunter
‘Let me tell you what blasphemy is; it’s the idea that there is a superior being who can make the mountains, the oceans and the skies but who still gets upset about something I said. He’s an all powerful being; he’s just got self-esteem issues.’
‘I have a theory that Easter moves around in the calendar every year because Jesus was buried in a tardis. I have a lot of other theories but no conspiracy theories – I won’t have conspiracy theories because I think, “what if all the conspiracy theorists are actually working together …?”’
‘The Scottish are so stoical. In any other country if you say, “My father died”, people will say, “That’s a shame.” But Scots will say, “What size was his shoes? Did he leave a good telly?”’
‘At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it. From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, “I’ll give £150!”’
Pappy’s Fun Club
‘Coming up later tonight we have the musical act, The Three Gay Hitlers performing songs from their new album Around Mein Kampfire’
‘A wee Glasgow woman is driving along the motorway when her husband phones. He says, “Be careful hen, it says on the radio that some eejit’s driving along the M8 the wrong way.” She says, “It’s no just one eejit. There’s hunners of them”.’
Two goldfish in a tank.
Once turns to the other and says, “How do you drive this thing?”’
This is a song about moving to the ‘New Town’, East Kilbride in the 70s. To be sung to Petula Clark’s ‘Downtown’:
‘There was a problem in ‘72 among the Glasgow Slums – New Town
A room and a kitchen, but not with a view, would just depress the mums – New Town
Then there came the promise of a house with central heating
They put you on the list, although the chance was rather fleeting,
Then came the day,
You knew you’d have clean fresh air,
With a back and front garden and an up and down stair
It’s a New Town, spacious and big, it’s a New Town, your own Whirligig,
It’s a New Town, totally designed in one day!
All these jokers will be appearing in the Glasgow International Comedy Festival, 12–29 March. See comedy listings.