The Leech

Sucking the blood of popular entertainment


All you need is love. Love and the trademark rights to your music. In a deal that will have at least one soon-to-be divorcee hopping for joy, computer giant Apple and The Beatles reconciled their long-running dispute over the Apple name, with the best band in the world thrown a lucrative pip or two by the malfunctioning crate of diodes on the Leech’s desktop, even as it struggles with Bill Gates’ gremlin-infested new operating system and personification as Robert Webb’s stupid face.

Wonderfully, though, as super-intelligent Macs transfer their operating processes to exterminating Fiona Apple and corporate lawyers instruct Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin to rebrand their offspring, The Beatles’ back catalogue may finally be released for download, with the possibility that John, Paul, George and Ringo could claim every slot in the Top 40. It’s bad news for The Beautiful South, though, who probably hoped to carry on back up the charts with the announcement of their split. The Hull outfit certainly deserve a little posthumous reward for being first to squeeze the lyrics ‘sweaty bollocks’ into the Top 10.

Meanwhile, Paul Heaton’s ex-bandmate Norman Cook is enjoying success at Carnegie Hall with a ‘disco opera’ about former Filipino shoe fetishist Imelda Marcos, co-written and performed by Bill Gates’ rival for the Greatest Living Nerd title, Dumbarton’s very own David Byrne. Fatboy and Big Suit composing opera about high fashion seems the unlikeliest heavyweight musical partnership since the Leech saw Belle and Sebastian frontman Stuart Murdoch sporting a Wolfmother American football jersey and dancing like a loon at last month’s National Pop League. Mind you, the teetotal Christian and the noisy Aussie rockers collaborating once seemed likelier than The Police ever reforming. The news of the reformation of Sting and co only compounds the pain after the announcement that Genesis, James, Crowded House and The Eagles are all returning to the studio. As if Right Said Fred abandoning piano shifting to get back together wasn’t enough already. But anything, anything, that prevents Sting picking up a lute again is unequivocally a good thing.

One Police show at the Grammies won’t rock the world. But Napoleon had his Waterloo, Nixon his Watergate and George W Bush has his Rage Against The Machine. And the Leech ain’t talking about Dubya’s difficulties with an autocue. Furious guitarist and anti-corporate agitator Tom Morello obediently told MTV that Rage have reformed to ‘deliver a knockout blow to the Bush administration. Is it a coincidence that in the seven years that Rage Against The Machine have been away the country has slid into right-wing purgatory?’ No Tom, love, it isn’t. It’s also no coincidence that while Twiglet-haired singer Zack de la Rocha was away, the US government all but eradicated blond dreadlocks. Damn you evil right-wing, neocon, short back and sides sporting squares! Fight the powered clippers!


Post a comment